Interpersonal Communication

October 4, 2009 at 7:22 pm (Uncategorized)

I have realized over the past week that much of what we know or understand about interpersonal communication, whether subconsciously or consciously through our experiences, actually has a theorized or modeled background to it. This new piece of knowledge though enlightening, also reminded me of one other thing, that the interpersonal relationships we sometimes take for granted is more often than not fragile. And without effective interpersonal communication, can easily fall apart.

Oft we hear the likes of: “oh, it simply fell apart” or “it’s just not working” when people relate their relationship woes to us. But to communication students like us who have studied and understand the intrinsic value of communication in every kind of relationship would beg to differ.

Taking a closer look at Knapp Model of Relational Development, every step from the ‘coming together’ right up to the end of the relational maintenance stages at stage 7, could easily fall apart, aggravate or deteriorate if bad communication skills are adopted.

Some would use communication skills as a tool to communicate their discontentment so as to speed the relationship along to its final stages. But in most cases, it is the lack of proper communication that relationships, marriages, fall apart.

Let me cite an example, about how my parent’s marriage imploded on itself.

Stage 1: Initiating

They met as schoolmates, one the only son of a successful business man, the other the 3^rd daughter of 9 from an average family. My father presented himself as the suave revolutionist and arts enthusiast, and my mother presented herself the amiable, quiet, gentle girl.

Like every other couple, they sailed through stages 2, 3 and 4, experimenting, intensifying, and integrating respectively.

Then they went on to Stage 5 and got married before taking off to London where my father pursued his studies in IT as instructed by my grandfather. He subsequently dropped out and signed up for Arts instead. My grandfather refused to finance them any further from that point forth. My mother had to work while father pursued his studies, and they had two children there, both miscarriages.

Up to this point, they had gone through the significant public rituals of engagement, marriage, and having a child.

Conflict and the eventual realization of intense differentiation, the hallmarks of a relationship started too fast.

Over the years the regressed, and along came their third child, my elder sister, who became the disappointment of the family only and just because she was born a girl. Eventually I came along, a product of one of their regressions.

Then at some point they progressed into stages 7 and 8, circumscribing and stagnation. They went through the motions that were required by the relationship they shared; a marriage. Then they same script repeated itself day after day, month after month. Their persistence or at least on my mother’s part, was only to avoid the pain of separation, both in its practical sense and emotional sense.

When I turned 10 years old, my father moved out. At that point, by his choice, they moved on to stage 9 where avoidance of one another, withdrawn physically and emotionally, and channels of communication being sealed, were prevalent.

To date, their relationship is at its most superficial sense. It is only reflected on a paper. In all other sense, their relationship ceased to exist. And at stage 10, my father moved on to have another partner, who bore him 2 adorable children. Horror of horrors, the little boy resembles me.

I was the byproduct of some form of regression they went through but could not sustain. Sounds a little sad does it not?